One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
