I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
