The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
