why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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