I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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