well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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