i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
