Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
