dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
