to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
