Rock
Scissors
Fuck
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
