eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
my liver is dry heaving
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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