dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
