ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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