you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
