my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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