There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
