Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You made out with two different species that night
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
