if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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