they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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