Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
