life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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