I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
