he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Come on in and take your pants off
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