You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
