ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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