maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
