Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
