Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
