Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
