We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
