new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
