did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
