I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I deserve this hangover.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
