Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
