So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
