running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
