i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize