Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i can't believe i had my finger in that
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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