I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
