We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
