Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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