No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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