You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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