i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
