I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
