Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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