I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
