I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
