I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
