The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
