chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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