if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
