I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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