Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
