Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it because I queefed?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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