just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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