I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You can't motorboat a personality
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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