sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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