I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
