You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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