Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
