***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She is in my trunk
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
