i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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